Rex Features
"I want the one I can't have, and it's driving me mad," crooned Morrissey back in the day. Whether it's the happily married MILF next door, your 17-year-old jailbait cousin, or your boss' icy Norwegian wife, few women are as attractive as she who is verboten. Which goes some way to describing why most men quite fancy a liaison with a lesbian.
There are, of course, other attractions.
If one girl is enticing, how much more enticing is the idea of two, three or four? What teenager did not waste hours imagining Claudia Schiffer and Elle Macpherson wrapped round each other in an oiled-up tangle of Amazonian limbs and blonde hair; Claudia's wide eyes wider still as Elle peels her tank top off her shoulders, runs her fingers down her throat and to her erect nipples; Claudia stroking her hands up Elle's downy thigh, and under her cut-off denim hot pants... Oh sorry, I got a bit carried away there.
And what adult male has not watched two girls grinding in a club and imagined what they might be doing later that night?
Then there is the challenge of conversion. Why has she forsaken cock? Perhaps she has not yet met the right man. Converting a lesbian is a serious notch on a man's bedpost, and a common fantasy. But what of the reality?
So you meet a perfect blonde who has for years preferred girls. It is lust at first sight; she declares she's through with women and wants you. Would you want in?
"Laura was gorgeous, sophisticated - everything I wanted - but, oddly, I found her past put me off sex," bond trader Jonathan told me. "On the one hand, she'd been with the experts: women who not only know innately where the sweet spots are, but also have a lifetime's experience of what to do with them. On the other, I was also irked by her exes: what if she'd been out with some bull dyke who was more masculine than me?"
Gstaad-based architect, Charlie, had a different experience. "I've always had a thing for women who like women," he explained. "So when I met Vanessa, I thought I was quids in. She hung out with a pack of wild, party-loving girls who regularly slept with each other. As long as they weren't man-haters, I figured that once I was with Vanessa I'd be accepted by the group and might get to enjoy a bit of them, too."
His hopes were short-lived.
"While they didn't have any problems with Vanessa screwing me, they sure as hell didn't want anything to do with me - or more specifically, my penis. Fair play to them, of course, but I realised pretty soon I wasn't attracted to Vanessa - more to the idea of her as part of that group of girls."
Adds Monica, a former lesbian who's now back on solids: "The weird thing I encountered with the guy I first started seeing was that he kept expecting me to go back to girls; he seemed to think it was a whim, like I was changing my shoes."
First lesson in dating a hasbian: don't let it dent your daydreams, but according to the infamous Kinsey sliding scale relatively few of us are fully hetero or homosexual. More of us might easily switch from one to the other were our cultures (quite substantially) different. She's no more likely to leave than anyone else.
Second lesson: don't expect group sex. You are living up to every sad stereotype. That's not to rule it out, by any means, just don't think it will come on a plate.
Third, it is entirely possible that her lover's black mamba was bigger than you, that her ex-girlfriend was a butch who could pull trucks with her teeth - and lick the tip of her nose without trying. Get over it.
This leaves only the question of your skill. You'll no doubt rise to the challenge. One thing to learn from Sapphic sex is the way women make love with their whole body: picture the scene, the sensation of skin-on-skin, breast-on-breast, but also exploring upside down, sucking the toes of each other's feet, biting the soles and kissing and nuzzling their way until they are in a wheel, muff to mouth. It helps if you've both had a pedicure. Relish every inch of her skin. Run oil (Hazelnut Edible Massage Oil, £16. At Coco de Mer. coco-de-mer.com) up her calves; rub it into her stomach, breasts, across her shoulders. Eat it off. Remember the joy of slow, mutual masturbation, of lingering sessions when you stroke and caress. Then BSDM: whips, collars, cuffs and candle wax are each part of the continuum. Be the man who can make her come by pinching her nipples, rolling them between your thumb and forefinger, while almost lifting her up by cupping her pussy, with a closed hand, while she still has her clothes on. Think toys. Think compliments and admiration as much as fisting and tribadism (NB: your fist is considerably larger than a woman's, go slow and well-lubed; on the latter it is best if you let her frot herself against you rather than returning to the days of the college dry-hump).
That said, you don't need to try too hard.
Look at it from her perspective...
Broad shoulders and hard cock. No PMS, no means no and yes means yes. While the ex-lesbian has special allure, man in all his elements is pretty spectacular too.
Original article published in GQ Magazine, in September, 2010
